The Trouble with Being Human (Part 3)

“You’ve lost about half your blood,” my doctor said calmly. “That’s why your heart rate was so high. There’s not enough blood in your body for your heart to beat properly –it’s kind of like a fire hose with low water pressure- so it’s having to work overtime. As a result, you’re not getting enough oxygen, hence the trouble breathing.” He told me I was going to have to have a blood transfusion -2 units at least. 

As with anything, blood transfusions have certain risks associated with them such as allergic reactions and rejection, even between matched blood types. As the nurses explained this to me, I felt like I was just going through the motions of life. I’d reached a point where I just didn’t care anymore. I’m not saying I wanted to die or anything, but there was no way of getting around the blood transfusion, so there was no point in worrying about the potential reactions. So, I signed the paper and sent them off to get the ball rolling.

It was then that God brought to mind my favorite words from the book of Esther, from when she decides to go before the king. “If I perish, I perish.” That’s just all there was to it. I’d long since come to terms with the sovereignty of God, even though I hadn’t been praying or reading my Bible very much lately, I knew God was going to do with me whatever he willed and I was okay with whatever that may be.

I ended up spending four miserable days in the hospital and received three units of blood and countless bags of steroids. I felt much better when I got home, but I knew it wouldn’t last if we couldn’t get the colitis flare under control. After being informed about my condition by my doctor, my gastroenterologist concluded that the biologic they’d put me on wasn’t working because I wouldn’t have been in such bad shape if it had been. It was time to take the next step, and I was wondering just how high those stupid stairs went.

The next step was another biologic immunosuppressant given by IV infusion every two months (after a series of progressive starter doses). We’d discussed it before, but I’d opted to try the other medicine first because this one sounded so horrible. Left with no other option, I held to my “If I perish…” philosophy and agreed to give this one a try.

Because I’d missed a week of school and my health was in such a precarious state, my family and I decided it might be best for me to withdraw from college for the semester in order to get some rest and work on lowering my stress level (since UC seems to be worsened by stress). Reluctantly, I did so, and it’s been one of the best decisions I ever made for my health. It’s given me time to rest, meditate on God’s Word and seek his will for my life without the distraction of school, and just sort of rebuild my life in general.  I’ve fallen back in love with writing and discovered that my calling lies in teaching rather than medicine. I’ve also come to understand the value in living every day like it’s your last day –even if that doesn’t mean adventuring and completing a “bucket list” or something like that. For me, it just means remembering to serve God, love others, pray faithfully, seek wisdom, acquire knowledge, and savor the moments that make you feel alive.

And that’s where I am right now. There’s really nothing left to say…